Breaking Down
by Fangirling It 7
Summary: Clarke mourns Lexa's death after see gets back out of the city of lights after episode 3x16. Reviews welcomed.


I o _wn nothing, but I wish I did because Lexa would so still be alive. Reviews are welcome._

It's been a little over an hour since I came back out of the City of Lights. I looked at everyone in the throne room. Pike was lying there dead, I didn't feel bad for him, but I wish Octavia hadn't done it. It's not going to bring Lincoln back and she isn't going to feel better about him dying now that Pike is dead.

Everyone seems to have someone to lean on right now. Miller has Bryan. Murphy has the grounder girl. Mom has Kane. Me? I'm alone again. There is no one. Seeing Lexa in the City of Light was hard. It made me almost wish I had stayed in there.

As soon as I could stand without getting lightheaded and took out the wires that connected me to Ontari and walk out the throne room. Without really meaning to I make my way to Lexa's chambers. In this room was the last time I truly felt happy. In bed with Lexa. I feel the tears well up, but I don't let them fall. I look around and I realize that there aren't any candles lit. It seems so strange for the room to be unlit by candles. Lexa always had at least a few candles burning. The candles not burning just serves as another reminder of the fact that Lexa is gone.

I move over to by the bed and remember being in it with Lexa. We never promised each other anything verbally, but every touch was like a promise that there would be another time. When I got out of bed to meet Octavia I made a silent promise that we would be here again and we would get more than an hour. I shouldn't have stayed so mad when I first got to Polis. I should have forgiven her sooner. We could have had more time. We could have had a first time that didn't have an hour time limit. We didn't I just forgive? I should have done something after she sore fealty to me or after her fight with Roan. Why didn't I?

I fall to my knees and the tears start flowing and I can't stop them. Lexa is dead. The world might be ending, but I can't make myself care. Lexa is dead. I don't know how to save us. Lexa is dead. What's worse is right now in this moment I don't want to save anyone; I just want to give up. Then I might be able to see Lexa again. Lexa promised she would always be with me and I believe that, but I want her. Not her looking after me from wherever or wherever comes after this life. I want Lexa. I can't do this without her. I want Lexa. I should have stayed in the City of Light. I could have stayed with Lexa.

The tears are coming harder, if possible. I feel someone's arms around me, holding me tightly. I tense up for a second because I didn't hear anyone come in, but I hear Mom, "Sh. Shhh. It's okay, baby. We are all okay." It makes me cry harder, because not everyone is okay.

"No we aren't." I gasp out between sobs.

"Clarke…" she begins.

"Lexa is dead." I cry even harder after saying it out loud.

I shift into Mom's arms and put my arms around her and cry even harder. I shed the tears I had refused to shed since the night Lexa died. The tears keep coming and I don't know how to stop them. Mom seems at a loss as to what to say and just keeps holding on to me. Mom holding me like this reminds me of the night Dad was floated. I thought the tears would never stop then, but they did. But right now I don't know how to make the tears stop.

"Abby, we think we figured out a way down." Kane called out, "Abby… oh sorry. I'll give you two a minute."

"No, its okay." I say pulling out of Mom's embrace. I wipe my tears away and try to look a little less broken.

I stand up, take a deep breath and put a hand in my pocket and clasp the Flame. I take another breath and remember what Lexa told me when we first met, 'the dead are gone and the living are hungry'. We have to find a way to save ourselves again. After this, if we survive, I'm going to do more than survive. For me. For Lexa. For a life we might have had given a chance.

I stand up and start to follow Kane out of Lexa's chambers. I hear Mom follow us out. I look back at the bed where I had been the happiest I had felt in a long time. I love you, Lexa. May we meet again. I turned back and walked back to the throne room and on to figuring out how to save us this time.


End file.
